One
personal conflict that I have had is with my daughter-in-law this is something
that happens a lot. If anyone could give me some advice that would help it
would be great. This conflict happened last weekend when I took my grandsons
home. I have them every weekend so she can get things done around the house.
Well what happen was I was sick and told her that I would not have them all
weekend, well her reaction was so I will not get a break from the boys, not
caring one bit how I was feeling and a good chance they would get sick. Well
has usual I took them and my special needs grandson’s behavior was worse than
usual and with me not feeling well it really got to me. I called her when I was
bringing them home (if I don’t she gets mad) and was telling her about what
happened and she started yelling at me. What she said was that every time I
take the boys I always complain about his behavior. I try to explain that I am
not complaining I just want her to know so she can let his therapist know. I
know that having a child with special need can cause someone to feel stressed
and I try to feel empathetic but she makes it so hard with her attitude. She
knows I work with children with special needs every day and I try to help her
with my grandson by giving her books and information that I gather for her. The
two strategies that I learned and used was respect
and honesty which did not seem to matter because she just yelled and put me
down about not wanting to spend time with my grandsons. I talked to my
co-worker about this and she said that I should just ignore and to stop telling
her when a meltdown happens with him. I think that both nonviolent
communication and the 3 R’s could both be helpful in this situation because it
teaches us the best way to express ourselves but also to be compassionate to
the needs of the one we are talking with.
Hi Mary, I think you handle this conflict very well and you did the right thing. It seems that no matter how helpful you try to help people they will never be satisfied. I agree with your co-worker just stop telling her because obviously she takes it personal. I agree using compassionate to resolving conflicts gives us wisdom and to prevent harm to others.
ReplyDeleteHello Mary,
ReplyDeleteI can empathize with you as my husband’s sister, a developmentally-challenged adult, now lives with us. Having taught special needs children myself for 16 years, I know the emotional, psychological and physical toll such interactions can take on a person, even if the caregiver is trained to address this type of need. After working all week with the children, it must be especially difficult to devote your weekends to even more intensive care, regardless of the fact that these are you flesh and blood.
I would offer that you continue taking the high ground, attempting to communicate with her using the NVC strategies of honestly expressing your own needs, relating your observations and feelings, followed by compassionately stating a list of you requests that will help alleviate the stresses encountered when you are unable to watch the children for one reason or another.
I might begin by expressing the fact that you teach special needs children during the week, and while you are happy to help as much as you can, as the mom well knows, such a child can drain a person’s reserves. In your case, you might point out that you—as much as the mom—need “a break” of you own to take care of your own housework, yard work, whatever. I would include in that the need for a real day off to recharge mental and physical batteries lest you run down to the point of exhaustion. What would your daughter-in-law do if you were unavailable for whatever an extended period? This is a scenario she must consider, and perhaps if you are able to present it in that light she may begin to respond cooperatively and with compassion to your request for consideration and compromise.
NVC encourages us to focus on what we and others are observing, separate from our interpretations and judgments. It sound like you are doing just that when you relay observations concerning your grandson. Perhaps a mediator (your son or some other mutual friend, relative) can help you communicate to your daughter-in-law that your observations are intimately connected with the support & love you feel for you grandson. That could be followed by a clear expression about what you would like towards meeting those needs. Communicated in such a way, perhaps what your daughter-in-law is perceiving as criticism and demands can be seen as a basic human need on your part.
I have found it is often harder to deal with loved ones and relative than students, parents, and administrators!
Sandi